ending on a serious note

hey everyone,

there is something that i've been wanting to share with all of you for a long time now. i know this might seem like it is coming out of the blue, but i have been thinking about it a lot for the past couple of weeks, and even more since i arrived here in namibia.

i know i don't usually write much about swimming in my blog. but for those of you who are reading this and were not on the wpi team, i'd like to fill you in on what happened this year.

last summer, i dedicated a majority of my free time preparing for this year's long and strenuous season. i ended my sophomore year on a really high note, setting personal bests that i thought i would never achieve in all of my events and feeling like all my hard work throughout the year had paid off. knowing this, i faced the offseason with a strong desire to work even harder. i went to the gym every day for about 9 weeks and lifted with steve rose. i swam twice a week just to keep the feel of the water. and when i came in the beginning of this season, i felt stronger. faster. prepared. ready.

i was positive that all the work i had put into my offseason would greatly improve my season results. but as the meets wore on, i noticed that a lot of my times were the same as last year's in season times. nevertheless, i remained confident, repeatedly telling myself that the season is just a journey to our final destination, the NEWMAC championships. in season results are not a direct correlation of how fast one can swim when one is rested and tapered.

but as those of you who were on the team this year noticed, championships did not go according to plan. i didn't achieve a single best time throughout the year. i failed to make it back to finals in all of my events. and i saw the same disappointment in the eyes of my fellow teammates as well. there are many possible reasons as to why our team did not perform as well as we had anticipated, but i'm not here to point fingers at anything. i'm just writing this to say that as much as i didn't want to show it, i became incredibly frustrated at how all the time i spent in the pool didn't even come close to paying off at the end of the season. what hurt more was watching freshmen come in and go through the same process as all of us, and still drop incredible amounts of time. and i think the dagger to me was seeing nick and mason train for only one term and still manage to achieve times close to or better than their previous bests.

when i came to wpi, i didn't imagine i would make it through two years of swimming, and certainly not three. i was sick and tired of the double practices, the constant odor of chlorine, and the body aches. i wanted to live and be free, go out and explore things that i couldn't see because i had to go to practice instead. somehow i managed to change my attitude towards this, but now i think it was only temporary. my mind know that it would only be one more year of hard work, training, and dedication. but my heart tells me that my body is now longing for something else.

my reasons are all personal. i did not use the influence of anyone to make my decisions.

i think it's time to bring my career to an end.

as much as it hurts me to say it, i feel like this decision is long overdue. i have been frustrated for so many years in this sport, hitting a wall that i have not been able to break. there were so many times where i felt like i was not being rewarded with my efforts. the feeling of being let down and coming up short was one that i learned to accept and expect over the years. i understand it isn't always about the achievements in the pool that makes being on a swim team memorable. the past three years of my college swimming career have been great. i've made so many incredible friends, traveled all around new england, and even caught a small glimpse of greatness. but at the same time, i feel like i am making this decision for my well-being. i know there is the possibility that my senior year could very well be that year where i achieve that greatness, but not even giving it a chance is a sacrifice i'm willing to take. and that's simply because there is also a possibility that i might have one last year of frustration and end my career with even more regrets.

i think it's time to move on. it's time to experience college as a student, and not as an athlete.

thank you all for making this experience so valuable and memorable to me throughout my years. it was an incredibly tough decision on my part, but i promise i will still keep in touch with the team and support you all. there are so many things that i still have left to say, but i just don't have the words for them...